Grief

I have come to the understanding (at this moment) that I feel I know very little about grief. I understand grief, through experience, but to comfort someone who is grieving is an art that only He can do. Grief is so different from person to person, and one can not say that they totally understand. Nor would the person who is grieving want to hear that.
Grief can be overwhelming! Having a friend nearby is comforting even if they don't know what to say, but having the Lord nearby is what brings us through the day.

Pollicization!

Surgery! On september 3rd Charity had a surgery to make her Lt finger into a thumb, due to the fact that her original thumb was small and she was unable to move it.
The surgery went well, It took about 5 hours and she was able to come home that same day. My mom was able to stay the weekend with us and help out. Her cast was neon green and then we had to modify it with some neon pink!
Three weeks later the cast came off. Her hand looks different fore sure, but not as weird as I thought that it would look. It is still swollen between the thumb and the finger and in the next 3 weeks that swelling should mostly go down. Now she is wearing a splint for 23 hours of the day and is able to take a bath.

Movement!

Charity has been doing more physical movement the past two weeks. She has been rolling to get places and even did a little bit of an army crawl to get unstuck! This is so exciting, due to the fact that the Dr's said she might not be able to do these things. I can and can't wait for the day she crawls. Walking will be even more exciting, she has a ways to go, but she is building more muscle every day. I also taught her to clap, it is so cute! She is also starting to like crackers and crunchy things that dissolve in her mouth. Charity has been a little bit picky with texture so this is good. I tried to give her cottage cheese and that was not good, however she likes tofu!? I don't really get it.

Feeding!?

So I have been so excited to give Charity her first food. She hasn't really been ready until now at 7 1/2 months old. So I have been preparing homemade baby food and trying to decide what foods should be Charity's first foods. After reading some websites about feeding and getting lots of advice from other moms I decided to start her on oatmeal, just for the learning how to eat part and then starting some mild vegetables.
The first bite of oatmeal...blah...no good...and she didn't really eat any of it and was not enjoying this first experience of food. Next day I tried it again...blah..blah..no good with worse faces and crying after the 5th try with a spoon full of oatmeal. Hmm...what do I do now, Charity does not what to learn how to eat. Some more advice seeking. Try this and that and oh we did this oh maybe add this (use your imagination, I am sure you have your own two cents to add). After all this advice, well I tried the oatmeal for the third day, the same as before. Same reaction, no better and maybe a bit worse. So only 3 days into feeding and we both want to stop. So I know that the rule is to wait at least 5 days before trying a new food, but I just couldn't see her face do the same thing again and I want it to be a positive experience not a negative one. So the on the forth day of feeding I gave her sweet potato's. She kind of did the same mouth movements(probably the learning process of eating and not sucking), but she did not make those horrible faces and didn't cry and she actually ate half of the amount I had in the bowel. Now I consider that success and we will be sticking with sweet potato's for a while until she gets eating down a bit better.
I did not realize that it could take a couple of months to teach her how to eat. I guess this is another way that God is teaching me patients. I am not the most patient person, especially when it comes to eating :)

Courage

I am writing this post in regard to a question my father-in-law asked me. How did I have the Courage to make it to August 22, 2009 (Charity's B-day).
First of all by trusting God to keep going, not letting my faith slip away in a dark time. A time of many unknowns. I time of sadness and of inner pain.
We had to make the decision to trust God when we became pregnant with Charity and then we had to revisit trusting him to get us through the whole birth process.
God does not give us challenges that we can not do without his help. To take the challenge is to trust Him.
He had prepared me through the death of Caleb to have the courage to trust Him with Charity. In they way that I wanted to have as much time with her in the womb as I could get, to get to know her, if that was the only time that I would get to spend with her alive. In 9 months I felt like I knew Caleb to some extent and I wanted that with Charity also, as long as I was not at risk and she was not in pain. As I looked back on having Caleb all I wanted was more time with him, so with Charity I knew that even though I had to suffer, the time with her was invaluable.
Also lots and lots of prayers for myself and for Ben and for Charity.
Can you imagine someone saying to you and probably more people thinking it "Why are you doing this? Why do you continue when you know the diagnosis?"....to which I could not reply at the time, because I just couldn't say anything, although I think I said because she is alive and left immediately. In my mind (Hello!!!! People!! My name is not God and she is still alive and growing). Now those kind of statements don't really encourage people.
All in all I am glad Ben and I had the courage to take part in the miracle that God brought to us. I am loving every moment!

Life as we know it now

Charity is doing great! She eats well and is getting lots of cute baby chubbiness. She does have to take medication for acid reflux, an low dose antibiotic for kidney reflux and a diuretic for to prevent kidney stones.
Charity sees a wonderful physical therapist every week. She is working on turning her head to the left and stretching out the muscle on the left side of her neck and shoulder. She is also getting kind of a flat head on the side due to the fact that she only likes to turn to the right, she may need a helmet to straiten her head out in the next few months after she is able to sit up on her own.
Charity enjoys laying on her back and playing with toys hanging from her play mat. She is starting to enjoy sitting in the Bumbo seat and playing with toys we set on a the tray.
She really likes to play peak-a-boo with Ben and I and laughs and talks, when strangers try to play with her she just stares at them. She defiantly knows who her mom and dad are and is starting to become wary of strangers.
Ben and I are still struggling a bit to get enough alone time together. But we communicate our feelings with each other and make sure that we don't jeopardize our close bond of being a couple. As our pastor put it the other day. Our kids leave us one day, but our partner is there until we die. Do not let your kids be priority over your partner. I am not saying not to meet kids needs, not at all, they do need and deserve a huge portion of our time, energy and love.

Life or Death

At 33 weeks into the pregnancy Tuesday August 18th they did an ultrasound and Charity's head was at 40 weeks. Dr. McMahon said that she had to be delivered If we were not going to have a C-section. Ben and I had decided that we did not want to have a C-section because the risk of rupture of the cyst was not avoidable. It may or may not rupture either way and there was no statistics, since this was such a rare thing. That afternoon we went to a beach in Seattle, I didn't know that there was a beach in Seattle but Beky took us there and it was nice and warm and fun. We went back to the hospital to start the induction process...and a process it was.
They inserted cirvidil to soften and dilate my cervix, and that had to be in for 12 hours. Then in the morning i was barley 1cm dilated and not very soft. So we waited until 3pm Wednesday and they tried it again. Then they decided to strip my membranes and put me on pitocin Thursday around mid day. They stopped the pitocin at 3pm on Thursday and said that they would start it again early on Friday morning. I was maybe dilated to 2-3cm. They started the pitocin right on time 4am Friday morning.
Beky, Jeremy, my family and Ben's family came up. They were all so great and it was good that they were there, since I had been in the hospital for so long. With not a lot of rest(AKA the night shift blood pressure Natzi's). I had one consistent nurse Kat she was so nice, the others were great also. Around 7pm or so my contraction's were becoming a bit stronger and I might have been 5cm dilated. Dr. McMahon decided that Charity's head was not engaging because of the cyst and she wanted to drain it. Very hard decision since that could introduce pathogens, which could lead to infection. So we agreed, the procedure was successful. After that the contractions became stronger and I started to progress. Our family's decided to go back to there hotel's to get some rest (something that i needed very bad but that wasn't going to happen). Ben and Beky sort of dozed off and on, I tried also, however, contractions are not the best for rest! I did get to take a couple of baths which helped. At about 2am Saturday morning I could not handle life let alone contractions, so I decided to get an epidural while the team was not busy. So glad I did. Ben, however did was not doing well just a bit after my epidural he got sick and puked everywhere. Thank goodness Beky was there to take care of him since I was no longer able to move. Dr. McMahon came back in a 3 and checked me, she siad I was at 10cm, but asked me if I could wait while she went to do a C-section about 20min. I said I could, then she asked me to give a little push. So I gave a little push and then she left. She shouldn't have asked me to push, because then I needed to push. I delivered Charity Ann at 4am and she "BREATHED"....AMEN!